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The Reading for June 25th through July 19th 2013

Aries: March 21 to April 19

Power of persuasion! Albeit standing in front of the store and talking some random stranger into buying you beer. Or explaining the benefits of a week-long fishing trip; this so you may gain approval from your spouse. The stars read Aries that you will need these powers for some unforeseen reason next time out. Ready yourself!

Taurus: April 20 to May 20

It’s a dangerous time to be lazy Taurus. The game will slip away from right under your snout. You’re aligned with the constellation Hammocious Loungus. Get your primordial hunter gatherer face on and go out and club something.

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

What a dream! We are in awe over those professional fools who make wads of dough for just doing the sports they do. The stars are in your favor this week Gemini! Take that step across the threshold and make plans to turn your dreams into reality. The stars want to remind you that a goal without a plan is just a wish. Stop wishing and start planning.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

This one’s a tough one this week Cancer. It’s the universe’s Adopt a Liberal week. That’s right. Go out; befriend a Lib. Be patient with your Liberal. Your first inclination will be to rub his or her’s nose in it BUT hold back! Exchange ideas. Exchange beliefs. Listen and you will be listened to. This will pay off in spades around election time.

Leo: July 23 to August 22

Lick your wounds Leo. Don’t mope around over a missed target, broken lines, miss haps, lost romances or other miss haps or missed opportunities. Buck up and buck out! Have a beverage in a quiet spot and ponder the lessons.

Virgo: August 23 to September 22

Take the Milky Way’s example. The Milky Way is a vast network of stars. Network like a maniac this week Virgo. Networking today will lead to prime hunting grounds or fishing holes next fall. And it can lead to you’re the love of your life.

Libra: September 23 to October 22

PRACTICE! Libra, the stars are screaming to practice and be proficient with the tools you have. A new fishing pole is not going to improve your casting. A new scope is not going to help you shoot straight (unless the old scope has taken some hits). Practice with the gear you have and you’ll improve vastly. And save a buck or two.

Scorpio: October 23 to November 21

Go out to your favorite grounds without any gear save your cooler and a chair. Listen and meditate like a Buddhist monk. By Buddhist monk, the stars really like an ancient huntsman…wearing camouflage. I don’t know if it’ll get you any game. But the planets seem to think it’ll lower your blood pressure.

Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21

Think bold like Magellan! Or Columbus for that matter! When planning for future trips, think about seeking exotic game. The stars read that it is time for the Sagittarius to think outside the box. If you’re from the north, go south for the gators! If you’re from the south, go for the caribou (in winter). Expand your universe.

Capricorn: December 23 to January 19

This reading is for the Capricorn Anglers out there. I say this because Capricorn’s younger nephew (the constellation Capricorn Nephewus Fishius) is strong on the horizon. Getting to the point, your fishing lures are like your children. From their first cast all the way to scoring the game winning touchdowns, you have memories. You’ve snagged many good memories but watch out for snags under the surface. Logs… be wary of logs next time out. If not, your weekend might end up with a broken line and a broken heart.

Aquarius: January 20 to February 18

Use your sixth sense next time out Aquarius. Focus it down range. Like some superhero empathy, think about where the bullet might go when you fire. Or where the line will go when you cast. Taking heed to the stars preaching will help you keep bullets out of the farmer’s house, keep law enforcement for asking questions you don’t want to answer and keep the lures in your tackle box.

Pisces: February 19 to March 20

Bring oil. Don’t know why. The stars say to just bring extra oil. And a jack. At least a two ton bottle jack. Unless there’s a three quarter ton truck involved. Then get the four and a half ton bottle jack. Make sure it’s a bottle jack because the stars say the farm jack just “ain’t gonna cut it”.

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The Reading for May 31st through June 24th 2013

Aries: March 21 to April 19

The stars are giving the same reading as they did last week BUT with a twist. If you missed out on last week’s reading or just plain ignored it, then this week is one of redemption. Some contention at home from a purchased item eh? Trying to justify purchasing a new scope and deer rifle in May huh? Sleeping on top of the dog house Aries is not practice for the tree stands. Dig up the receipt, take it back and get something for the whole family. The stars are working with you.

Taurus: April 20 to May 20

Rounding Saturn and coming on strong like patchouli oil is the constellation Hippius Minor. What this means for you Taurus is when you’re out in public, keep your hunting and fishing stories to yourself. Or don’t embellish. Actually, just keep quiet. There are liberals afoot and within earshot. And these are the hardcore libs, the kind that push for registration laws and background checks for compound bows and duck calls. Even a story about catching and releasing trout could push them into some kind of action….like creating a crazy new law that bans hooks on fishing lures!

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

The biggest gripes I get from the planets are the sportsmen and sportswomen that do not leave the gates the way they find them. That’s your job this week Gemini.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

The old joke, what’s the difference between the in-laws and the outlaws? The outlaws are wanted.

You want to throw your in-laws overboard every time you hear how you are no good for their child. You want leave then on the side of the road after you’re reminded “my child could’ve done better you know!” The stars say hold back Cancer. Your day will come when they will give you the respect you deserve.

This time around Cancer, draw from the well of great tolerance when it comes to the in-laws.

Leo: July 23 to August 22

Bears rifling through your cooler and stealing the battery out of your truck. Raccoons taking your fishing poles to spike crawdads with. The trophy animal right in front of you. Specifically taunting you because it’s out of season and there is not a damn thing you can do! ANIMALS Leo. They are going to annoy you this week. So be very prepared. Oh, and the stars also suggest you baton down the hatches on your boat in the driveway. The neighbor’s cat is looking for a nice spot to have her kittens.

Virgo: August 23 to September 22

TOILETRIES! The moons are emphasizing toiletries! Bring extra Toilet Paper. Make sure you have a shovel as well. Make sure you know where the outhouses or flush toilets are. If you’re spending hours on a boat, make sure to plan ahead.

Libra: September 23 to October 22

Like Taurus, the constellation Hippius Minor is out for you! This week for you Libra, do not post pics on your social media sites of your catches or kills. These Liberals are always looking for a cause. If they are not on some on-line forum about how homes should be heated by compost piles they are surfing the web just looking for ways to make the world a “better place”. Posting a pic of whatever you bagged or limited out on could push them toward action for a new “cause”.

“MoonJava, come here and like look at these pictures of these dudes catching fish! They are so totally barbaric! And look at that boat! I bet it has like a huge carbon footprint. Every activity on that lake needs to be like totally banned man!”

Scorpio: October 23 to November 21

The stars are reaching out to the male Scorpios. Leave the cologne at home. The stars suggest it’s too foofy this time out. And don’t bring it with the excuse that you may need it to impress (like a waitress at a diner or a girl in a coffee stand). The stars say that cologne and camouflage give off mixed smelly signals to members of the opposite sex that are not really that into you anyway (they’re just being polite). Save the cologne for a night out in town.

Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21

Surprise romantic trips. We all love them. Re-think any endeavors that involve poles, reels, rifles and camping. You may think it’s a treat for two. However the one of your affections will only think of bugs, bushes, toilet paper and more bugs. Go to a restaurant. Go to a movie. Barbeque. Go bowling or play foos ball. You’ll figure it out. Then you’ll both be happy campers.

Capricorn: December 23 to January 19

As a professional Astrologer it is my duty to stay true to the readings. If your handling bait, avoid biscuits and gravy. If you’re using lures there’s something to do with blueberry syrup. If you’re at a store and the woman if front of you is buying scratch-it tickets then take the trail on the left. If you see a truck with split rims, take the third tail on the left then turn right. Drinking beers out on your trip, only drink every third can in the cooler. I know this reading is goofy but I’m pretty sure this stems from a comet or two moving through your side of the sky.

Aquarius: January 20 to February 18

You know when you’re on channel 17 on the CB and the frequency from channel 18 is bleeding over…well it’s kind of like that. Capricorn is bleeding over and is a  little garbled. However I must stay true to the readings of the cosmos. It’s the comets. So……. If your handling bait, avoid bacon and gravy. If you’re using lures there’s something to do with bacon. If you’re at a store and the woman if front of you is holding up the line by scratching her lottery tickets…take the uphill trail and fire a round. If a truck with split rims passes you find another campsite. Drinking beers out on your trip, when you make contact with law enforcement, ask them if they are serving or protecting.

Pisces: February 19 to March 20

Something is going to happen this week, so set up appointments with your mechanics for next week. Don’t know what’s going to break down. But the stars say the sooner you plan, the better off you’ll be.

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The Weekly Reading for May 24 through May 30th 2013

Aries: March 21 to April 19

We will sell our children to medical science just to get the funds to keep up with the Jones’! We covet the attention we get when we one-up our friend and good neighbor. Yes Mr. Jones just bought a new 24 foot aluminum fishing boat. People are in his driveway right now worshipping him like teenage girls worshipping some whacked out cult leader. Aweing over stories of zero down financing for 60 months at 7.2%. Well keep your kids Aries! If you need to keep up with them the stars suggest to keep it low key and with all household members involved. The stars say it will be a win win!

Try this out for size Aries…Mrs. Jones is staring at a 3441 cc Evinrude outboard attached to a $608.31 a month payment in more ways than one. All of this was credit checked and inked without her knowing. She’s wondering if her job will let her work extra Saturdays. She’s wondering if the extra money she might earn working extra Saturdays should go to help making ends meet or go to an attorney. Then she looks up and sees you unloading a new swing set for your excited children. Who in the end will be more admired?

Taurus: April 20 to May 20

You traveled for days down that dirt road to get to the coveted camping/hunting spot. Then when you get there BAM! Someone built a rendering plant there. Or it became a wildlife refuge surrounded with razor wire, machine guns and watch towers. The stars read Taurus that it is time to look for a new spot. The lucky camping, hunting or fishing spot may either become unlucky or be inaccessible. If the grounds are for hunting in the fall then get a move on it now Taurus!

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

Save the cans of cream corn for another fishing trip. The Law Gemini, on your next trip, you will be watched. Eyes will be on you. You will be heard. You will be detected. The planets are in this weird law abiding alignment for you this week. Don’t drink and drive/boat/ATV. Leave the spot light on the shelf in the garage. Don’t take pot shots at roadside animals that are standing really really still. Don’t go over the limit.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

You and your new romantic interests are going out on your first sporting trip together! Love is in the air. You feel top notch. However Cancer take your serious dedication to your sport down a few notches. Your romance may not take it as seriously as you. The point of the trip is for being together. Don’t be super critical over mistakes made by your lover. Take things too serious and the love train will fly off of the tracks faster than a six legged possum running for the cat food. Relax. Have fun. Be humorous about your sport.

Leo: July 23 to August 22

Like eating a mayonnaise sandwich after it was left out in the sun for hours on an August day, nothing spoils a good time faster than expired tags and licenses! The stars want to remind you to make sure your paper work and registrations are up to date. And double check your insurance while you’re at it.

Virgo: August 23 to September 22

Jupiter and three of her moons are in what astrologers call the “Santa Alignment”. Meaning that the powers that be sees if your naughty or nice. Getting down to the Brass Tacks of this reading is that the powers are tallying up you actions on the cosmic score board. Then giving you your just desserts. Banana Split or caramel covered road apples your fate is in your hands.

Libra: September 23 to October 22

The coveted rule of fashion (according to Cosmopolitan)…when you’re ready to go out look in the mirror and take off one accessory. This week Libra the cosmos suggests that before you leave camp for the day,  take off one accessory. Especially if it is deodorant or cologne.

Scorpio: October 23 to November 21

The Locals! Your camping at a spot hours or days away from your home. In a different community. A smaller community. You may have been born in the same state/country but face it Scorpio…out there…you are a foreigner. You were born on a tofu farm on the outskirts of Hippyville as far as the Locals are concerned. Are you picking up what the stars are throwing down? Unlike teenagers from Orange County tearing it up Tijuana, you’re not going to buy your way out of the hurt that Locals can put down on you. Keep your mouth shut, be polite, tread lightly and tip well.

Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21

The moon in alignment with the constellation Checklistius is reading that you better write down some backup plans next time out. If you’re a Sagittarius that loves to wing it then this week have a “B” plan to your “A” plan. If you are a Sagittarius who even plans for the potholes during the trip, the stars say have an “I” plan to your “H” plan. It will pay off big time!

Capricorn: December 23 to January 19

People may love your “Red Solo Cup” ring tone but this time it could jeopardize a key moment during the trip. Or it could just annoy. Capricorn, when you’re out fishing or hunting this week make sure your mobile devices are set to vibrate or silent. The stars told Virgo to be tolerant last week. Not so this week. Virgo may want to punch some one in the face this time around.

Aquarius: January 20 to February 18

The Big Dipper, in alignment with Cygnus, is saying that you could be a big loser when it comes to gambling on your next trip. Bragging around the campfire can escalate to bets being made and fortunes won or lost. Or unforgiving hangovers over wagers that involved bottom shelf whiskey and dollar store soda (I know. I’ve been there). Aquarius, don’t bet more than a dollar on anything. Stick to just one round of quarters. And avoid scratch-it lottery tickets as well. If the stakes are big just bet on bragging rights.

Pisces: February 19 to March 20

Like Aquarius, the stars tell a story about gambling as well. But your reading involves food preparation instead of money. Anything less than well done, you are gambling on digestive disaster. Don’t order your meals rare. Burn it. Char it. Boil It. The odds are not in your favor when food prepared on the rare side is concerned. If you insist on having something on the rare side, go with a well done breast of Condor.

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The Weekly Reading for May 19, 2012 to May 25, 2013

Aries:   March 21 to April 19

Your romantic interests may be in the crosshairs of your heart. Just do not let these thoughts fog up the crosshairs of your rifle scope. Clarity out in the field is pertinent for your harvest of game this week Aries. Stay focused in the field and think romance on the way back home.

Taurus: April 20 to May 20

Illusions are king this week Taurus. The stars read that lures will be your best bet regardless of which sport.  So inflate the decoys, polish the Rooster Tails,  practice with the call or dab on some extra scent.  Use your ingenuity towards the smoke and mirrors out in the field.

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

Pay attention to the dirty work this week. Dirty work as in cleaning. I know when we hear the “C” word we take it like an animal taking a bullet. However buck up and heed the stars. Give special attention to field dressing. Or give your equipment an extra scrub down. It is mundane but Gemini the stars read that cutting corners in any cleaning process may spell disaster further down the road!

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

“My cousin said there’s a spot over around the bend…” “I heard some campers say….” “Some people came through this morning and said they know a spot…” We’ve all heard these third and forth hand ditties before. Someone heard about a hot spot fishing hole or a field saturated with bucks bigger than dump trucks. Yet they have not seen it for themselves. For you Cancer, avoid these pieces of advise like a crack marksman avoiding cheap ammo. The stars read that the only thing your going to bag in these “hot spots” is a wasted day.

Leo: July 23 to August 22

The planets are aligned with your insights this week Leo. Next time out use your gut feeling. Turn off the sonar. Step off of the trail. Look, feel and listen to your surroundings. Then point in the direction of your instincts and march!

Virgo: August 23 to September 22

Tolerance, tolerance and more tolerance! Campers partying hard the night before; no sleep for you. In your stand you take aim THEN a group of guys tromp into your area; your game is spooked and gone for good. You cast your line…a kid throws a rock in the water; you are not catching a darn thing now. Normally you’d be punching everyone in the face. But this week Virgo be extra forgiving and let it slide. Hold back and forgive and the powers that be will take an appreciative notice.

Libra: September 23 to October 22

The tiny scorpion brought down the mighty huntsman Orion. Some tiny little thing might bring your next outing crashing down. Preparedness is pertinent. Make sure the spare has air, throw in an extra wrench in the toolbox, put an extra can opener in the glove box and so on. You get the point. You know yourself Libra. So pack some extra gear to stave off a small emergancy. Then pack one more thing just to be extra cautious.

Scorpio: October 23 to November 21

This week Scorpio stick to your favorite brands like a fly to a windshield! Change is always good however the stars say that you should stick to the tried and true brands. Stick with your favorite ammo. Hook up those reliable lures. Use your favorite brand of cammo. If you love Fords, then stick with Fords this time around. Use the tried and true brands this week.

Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21

You’re making a phone call and next thing you know you’re in a knife fight with a pack of coyotes in the phone booth! You went fishing for perch and then you had a fish on the line for eight hours and it was firing artillery shells at you every time it surfaced. You were minding your own business and THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN you’re engaged in hand to claw combat with a brown bear with a black belt. Sagittarius, something extra ordinary is going to happen. Be ready!

Capricorn: December 23 to January 19

A chameleon can change its color just by moving a few inches into a different setting. Like the chameleon Capricorn you’re going to have to adapt to different settings. The stars read that you should bring a variety of cammo with you next time out.

Aquarius: January 20 to February 18

“Remember that time when Bill got drunk and fell into the fire?” “Remember that time when Johnny Boy cast his line and the fish hook got stuck in his wife’s ear?” Campfire stories! We all have them! We all love them! However Aquarius, the stars read that this week you should hold back on telling too many of them. So try not to one-up the last story told. Or refrain from stories of other’s injuries. Johnny Boy’s wife may not think the hook in the ear story is as funny as how you remembered it. So much so that you could be the one injured this time if she hears it again. So hold back Aquarius!

Pisces: February 19 to March 20

Take binoculars! Though the stars are unclear on why you should, they are strong that you should. Dig the old pair out. Polish them up. Or just buy a new pair. The stars say the you need to take them.

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